Relationships: What is your personality?

By Michael Knight

Tuesday 1 December 2009

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Are all relationships give and take or does it really depend on the personality types of the people in the relationship?

Learning about yourself and personality types isn't easy and certainly not a five minute job, however it does help to have as much knowledge about both of these areas, in order that you may find a suitable partner who will bring out the best in you and the relationship, and that includes happiness for you both.

If you don't make the effort to understand at least a smattering of knowledge about personalities, you may well be unhappy for a long time in the relationship not quite understanding what's wrong.

It's not an exact science matching personalities as there are sometimes many shades of grey to a person's personality, plus you need experience in knowing how to extrapolate the various personality types from a person's behaviours and language.

This may take many years, depending how much you get to see of the other person, how in love or infatuated with them you are, blinding you somewhat and how aware you are of yourself and what's going on in your life at the time of first meeting and throughout the relationship.

Some of us, especially those connected to our hearts may think loving someone can be enough, changing yourself to meet the others needs and blending into their way of life at often the expense of losing a part of yourself. Whilst this is admirable and may help, it may just be a band aid fix, with this act of faith and hope setting you up for a fall, not a relationship of bliss.

So when you are ready to look for a new relationship, or if you are already in one that's just not quite working the way you think it should be, it's ideal to know as much about yourself and your personality type as possible, as this can help with the compatibility process, minimising any waste of time and energy from incompatibility hiccups.

If you are already in a relationship and not getting what you really desire from it, it is always best to hash the problem issues out and make changes to your personality where needed, especially if you are in love with this other person. However, if your endless attempts at discussing and resolving the issues falls on deaf ears, you may just realise it was never meant to be because your personalities are too different.

It's the opinion of the writer that anybody can make changes with help, encouragement, love and understanding if they really want to make the relationship work, however it's unfortunate that some people just don't value this other person in their life enough to make the effort to change.

If either you or your partner is like that, it appears there is not a lot you can do but leave them and find someone more suitable.

Whilst the article below by Dr.Martinez-Lewi may not describe you or your partners personalities to a tee, even if they are narcissist and borderline types, it may however give you an understanding and kick start to the world of personalities and yourself, so enjoy!

Perfect Match - The Narcissist Marries a Borderline Personality

When a narcissist chooses a marital partner, he/she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow his lead in every aspect of their lives. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from his partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should his faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder. These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The narcissist is the master; the borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of his borderline spouse that he or she can be disposed of precipitously

The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due to childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic.

This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.

With love, kindness and peace
Michael

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    By: Peter S M from SA, Australia on February 24, 2011 @ 3:47 am
    Great article as with others. My wife has recently left me and taken the kids and now know after reading about certain traits, that I had absolutely no hope in the relationship. Had I known and perhaps been taught about such personalities younger & at school, i would have given this woman a wide berth. Instead of bringing sexualisation antics with homosexuals at school, families and societies maybe better served if school kids are versed more on personality types and relationships. Let's go forward not backward.
    By: James P from QLD, Australia on November 28, 2010 @ 7:44 pm
    I could have been diagnosed as having a borderline personality as much of the description fitted me to a tee. Possibly, I stopped my growth as a young child due to a parental split with my self esteem further being depleted by marrying a narcissist and having a family young. After that ending in disaster with her leaving me I eventually, unbeknown to me at the time hooked up with another narcissist and have been with her for a number of years. I only discovered she was a cerebral narcissist type about a year ago which answered the many frustrations I had in the r'ship. Prior to that I was an emotional basket case with her not understanding or connecting with me, and yes I guess I was exploited as a I gave every part of my being and skills away to her, as one should give in a relationship to benefit the other's life. But alas my boundaries were blurred and my identity was shot to bits and it was time for this bunny to get his boundaries in order and find myself. It's still a struggle today, however having awareness of the problem and doing constant work to improve myself has helped considerably. It's been empowering allowing myself to feel better about myself and many things. The irony of the story is if the narcissist doesn't kill you with abuse you just may learn to adopt a few narcissistic traits which will make you stronger. However, be careful not lose the good person you are to become someone nasty and emotionally detached from others.
    By: Marie from New Hampshire, US on April 13, 2010 @ 2:10 am
    I think my husband was a narcissist and I pandered to him. Not sure whether it was a borderline perosnality a but we did get on ok, as I thought then. But since he went off with a yonger women I think now I must have been dreaming in our relationship and perhaps still in some form of shock. Beware of people with these personalities, as they are often not what they seem.
    By: Bob Kissenger from NSW, Godzone on December 2, 2009 @ 12:41 am
    Dear Deditor,
    during my long life, I have been called a narcissist, whatever that is. Can we catch up to have a talk about me sometime? You'll be fascinated by my personality, my great nature and everything else about me. Anyway that's enough about me.
    What do you think about ...me?
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