The Narcissistic Personality
Monday 8 March 2010
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Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD's) and Borderline Personality Disorders (BPD's)
Narcissists are in love with an 'ideal' image of themselves and want you to love their 'pretend' selves.
The narcissistic does not hesitate to lie, deceive or 'reveal' (misleading) half truths.
S/he appears to be intelligent, charming, (charismatic) and therefore reliable. S/he is a convincing conjurer of words, signs, behaviours and body language.
Some of these characteristics are subconscious while others are conscious.
Over reacts to critique and may turn it into a criticism towards the other. May become angry or humiliated or humiliate others to safeguard self.
NPD's/BPD's find it extremely difficult to understand others' (and their own) emotional states and impact. They may find it difficult to perceive or acknowledge their own emotions, and think lack of emotion is a 'virtue' therefore, they may snipe at someone who shows emotion (lack of empathy and self awareness).
They exaggerate his or her own self importance, have a sense of entitlement, a tendency to humiliate, criticize, and belittle others (sometimes subtly or overtly).
They display arrogant/proud behaviour, use others to reach goals, need constant attention and positive reinforcement from others.
Others can not do as well as they can and in their mind have achieved perfection; yet in contradiction and reality, are themselves insecurity ridden.
Non-NPD's are baited by their own sense of empathy. The NPD has made observance of the reactions of others and parrot the reactions they witness when they believe them to be appropriate responses - they are not from the heart or sense of empathy.
BPD's sometimes express rage in the form of aggressive, verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse. Others express it in quiet, passive-aggressive sniping ways that can be crazy-making and undermine the reality for the non-borderline.
If you exist at all emotionally to the borderline you're likely just a mirror reflecting back what the borderline chooses to see about him/herself. More often than not, the borderline will not accept what is in this reflection and will transfer on to the 'other' what is unacceptable to him/herself about him/herself. They often entertain unrealistic fantasies about achievements, power, beauty, intelligence or romance.
The NPD may be related to defenses against shame. This could be in response to childhood experiences; specifically emotional abuse including excessive criticism.
NPDs baseline positions:
They control, blame, attack, ignore, Separate and are self-absorbed.
NPD's may have false memories, thus inaccurate or skewed recollections of events. They are unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behaviour on others.
Some narcissistic people withdraw socially and may feign modesty or humility.
NPD men are more likely than women to not get hung up on intelligence or the importance of their work issues in contrast to a woman who is usually hung up on looks For the man it doesn't matter what the work is, if hes doing it, by definition it's more important than anything anyone else could possibly do (conceit).
Narcissists are generally passive and lacking in initiative. They will complain about the same things for years one end, but only rarely do anything to change what dissatisfies them (procrastinate).
Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit others without any trace of reciprocation (users).
They are the jealous type, although they rarely recognize their actions stemming from this emotion (one form of denial).
Narcissists have a genuine incapacity for genuine relationships. They do not grasp the concept of genuine love. This emotional roller coaster is so harrowing for the non-NPD that the experience borders on traumatic. To remove doubt: this behaviour is not confined to matters of the heart. For example the NPD's employer can be misled by the NPD's ambition, willingness to sacrifice, honesty, thoroughness and a host of other utterly 'faked qualities'.
The borderline must reach an understanding of how he/she affects those around them. Then he/she must learn how to be in touch with their conscience and ability to listen to what others say, to appreciate how others feel, aside from oneself.
The best thing to do if you love someone who has BPD or NPD is to put your energy toward suggesting they get professional help; even though the revelation may cause explosions and difficulties. Sometimes you need to exercise tough love, and walk away from the relationship.
No, you the non-NPD cannot help a borderline. Each borderline has to help him/herself.
They CAN if they choose to and will learn how to if they want to. You should not put up with the abuse. It's good to care, but you must also care about yourself.
In order for therapy to be effective and in order to build and sustain relationships, the BPD/NPD must self-recognize the need for change. YOU must WANT to 'get it' in order to heal and stop the pain.
For the NPD/BPD YOU CAN CHANGE and experience all that life and love have to offer! Please get counseling.
Submitted by Gerry W.
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