Don't fall in love with a Narcissist

20 July 2010

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If not love we live for
Free, simple and pure,
What then can be for
Our hearts to be lure'.

Giving your time, energy and soul to a person with narcissistic traits can leave you feeling empty, used up and spat out like some discarded lounge suite that has provided long and faithful service without asking for much in return.

Giving your heart and everything to this person, falling in love with him or her, can be one of the most fatalistic relationship mistakes you may ever come to make.

If you are one of those who have the precious and most sought after gifts on the planet in your heart and soul — LOVE — you just may want to start qualifying the relationship you are already in or pre-qualify any future relationship, as to whether they are fit for this most sacrosanct part of you — your love.

Being able to give true love to others is what Narcissists are usually unwilling or incapable of doing, not unlike some automated robot or machine. Hence, it's in your best interests to stop your admirable efforts of giving more and more of yourself, as in essence there will never be a genuine and unconditional return of any heartfelt love from them, as they are simply void of it. As sad as it may seem to those of us who care and feel the need to serve up some pity, you would be wrong to do so as this is part of the narcissist's game, charm and ploy to spin you into their web, so be warned.

One area most people usually become aware of, is how different the narcissist's moral code is from theirs. A narcissist can inflict pain upon another intentionally without so much as a blink of their conscience. With their black and white outlook they can roll you in your personal life and business affairs without the slightest sense of remorse, flicking you from their life in a heartbeat when your use by date has been reached or when they have been unmasked and exposed for the heartless character they can often so be... Goodbye!

The often unconscionable behaviour and insight into the inner workings of the narcissist's mind is fascinating and a real eye opener to say the least. While they hide behind the mask of needlessness espousing their independence, strength, superiority and demeaning others for their apparent weakness and neediness upon them mind you, paradoxically the exact opposite is true. Planning, scheming or just plain outright and boldly expecting everyone to give them what they need and when they need it, extracting their pound of flesh and blood from whomever whenever they can, is almost like some carnivorous feast.

It's clear and an undisputed fact they thrive on the receiving area, in fact they are usually bottomless pits in this regard, however their mantra of "ME ME and more for ME" will not extend to any outpouring of congruent love and affection over you as a separate person in your own right, as opposed to them seeing you as an extension of themselves to which they would graciously supply more of their self love.

You will get frustrated, upset and eventually become burnt out from your gallant and tireless gestures and repeated efforts of giving, which could be regarded as bad investments with little or no return for what you put in. They have no real loyalty to others, only themselves first and foremost.

They can be a complete waste of time, unless you want this particular experience, and yes, some good and learning can come from these types of relationships, however in general, more often than not it will be at great expense to you. You will certainly come of second best so better not to be the fuel that supplies these narcissist's appetite in the first place.

For without a ready supply they will remain on their own, cease to exist or possibly end up clinically diagnosed in a mental hospital or rehab centre with the right resources to help them confront their issues, assist with healing and change, if that's at all possible. However, the more accurate probability will be they will move on to other unsuspecting givers and take what they can get.

A most obvious tell tale sign of being in a narcissist relationship is when you repetitively suffer pain and exhaustion as you struggle to create any form of tenable psychological, emotional or physical connection. Not only will you come away broken hearted more times than you care to remember, but your confidence and self worth will take a battering severely eroding your sense of self. This form of abuse has also been likened to 'battered wife' syndrome.

Whilst the arsenal of the Narcissist varies from the cerebral and somatic types of each individual, the nasty little surprises they have up their sleeve is enough to make you shudder if you really knew what abuse they were capable of, especially when their sadistic streaks surface.

As a non-professional you have between 'buckleys and none' of effectively helping these people, so look after yourself instead, and perhaps 'RUN'. Many parents, typically mums, who discover themselves in a narcissistic relationship often take the kids and just run to get away from this type of partner. Sometimes, there is simply no other way.

So to all those Narcissists whose language incorporates the following or variations thereof:

"I don't understand", "what do you mean", "we do connect", "I really appreciate it", "how bizarre", "that's outrageous", "you're not my responsibility" or "I'm really disappointed" when they don't get their own way as usually it's their way or the highway, employing the view they are always right, never a warm heartfelt apology as it's always someone else's fault or simply foster concepts of payback and exhibit acts of rage when ever they feel like it, attempting to not just maintain control over their world but over others. Expect constant put downs, belittling comments and little support but don't ever expect empathy, compassion, an understanding ear or their selfless sacrifice when you are in need, as you will be waiting for a very long time.

These types don't share; whether it be of themselves emotionally, mutual plans or dreams, no matter how close you think you may be to them. They are like an island; unreachable, uninhabitable and incomprehensible by the non-narcissist. They may appear generous at times as they hand out a few crumbs here and there, however the price they will expect in return will far outweigh the meager rations they have bestowed upon you. Again it must be noted, they haven't done this for you, it's purely the gratification they receive in doing so. Yet another attempt to self soothe the insecurities that dwell within.

Whilst there are countless other indicators, it's best to say sionara, wish them farewell and leave them for a more fulfilling relationship with one who can provide real love and emotional connection, and sooner the better.

Possibly the saddest part of being in this type of relationship is the crushing feelings of helplessness, loneliness, isolation and abandonment, to which they are neither aware or care, defeating the primary purpose of being in a relationship. Further proof is when you have left the person emotionally or physically and they still think you're there to serve them.

So while it maybe a sad day as you separate from this narcissist and may hurt your heart like hell, it is best to be mindful that there are plenty of fish in the sea when it comes to people who are good relationship material providing full love and connectivity, and you will find and be more suited with a similar type to yourself.

Narcissists are all around you in society, and whether you are in a relationship with one or not, it will surely serve you to research this type of personality giving you a greater awareness and understanding of the types of people you come in contact with, their behaviours and attitudes, and why the cards just seem to fall a certain way.

What has been described or said about The Narcissist is to no way imply that this person is bad or tarred with the same brush as other narcissists. What's more, it is not our role to lay judgment down at their feet as this is certainly the role of higher authorities shall we say. As to what they do or the way in which they do it, is perhaps neither right or wrong in the big scheme of things, just different to how you see things.

What can be gleaned is how this type of person has operated under a different value system to that of yours. The role of the narcissist can also have many positive benefits in the workplace and specific settings in the community and like so many creatures in humanity, has an important role to play. So be careful not to project any ill-will toward them, being grateful for having met them and taught a thing or two as you continue along on your journey. A comprehensive look at values and how they are one of the keys to unlocking and reaching your full potential will be covered in a future article soon.

The intention of this article is not to slight the narcissist in anyway for in many ways it's not their fault and may have a form of sickness to many, but to make those who are perhaps naive and blinded by the light to become simply aware so they can take the appropriate steps to safeguard their health and life.

Although the shock and realization that you are a not part of the team, and never really were, may linger for sometime to come, you are best to wake up and come to your senses now in order to avoid further losses. You have the knowledge, talents and resources of being you, a good and honourable person, who now has an opportunity to build a healthy life. The loss is really theirs, although they rarely have the capacity to analyze what they have really missed out on.

Just as you love God and he does you, it is fair and reasonable to expect love in return after loving thy neighbour so never give up on this concept and universal law of cause and effect.

Dear friends, show eternal goodwill and love from your heart toward God, all people and all that is good and righteous, and no matter how much you may get hurt, the heavens will open up showering you with more love and riches than you could ever imagine.

To all, keep that impenetrable and undying faith in love no matter how dim the flame may get at times.