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Question

What can I do to try to convince my husband who separated from me in August 2011 that we could work things out with the right mediation counselling. He took legal action June 2012 { this year }

Posted: 5 years ago   from
Answer

Convincing or influencing another person is always a tough task, even when you are proposing a common sense approach.

Essentially as most humans aren't selfless creatures, people do things for their own reasons in their own time and way. Also, the complexities of a person's personality and state of mind often adds to the aforementioned woes.

As a guide:

1) First find out what he wants (ie. in his Application);
2) Attempt to keep communication open at all times & keep respectful (if possible) and do not let lawyers divide you with their fear based controlling client methods;
3) See if you can accommodate his wants without giving up your rights and entitlements too much or at all. More often than not, the more you give the more you will get back, just not always in ways that you think;
4) Understand the pros & cons of litigation - time, energy & costs versus benefits;
5) Don't get drawn into the legal arena, battle or nastiness as matters often become worse - emotionally, psychologically and financially;
6) Get in control of your own self and fears, understanding your values and what's really important to you - as after it's all said and done, you have to live with yourself, your conscience and the consequences of your actions or lack thereof;
7) Gain as much knowledge about the Separation/Legal environment as possible.

This stage of your life is almost invariably about personal growth & development.
Questions are the answers - Good luck!

Posted: 5 years ago by Michael from Ivanhoe, VIC
Answer

In reply to your n1 & n2 response.

My separated husband wants to keep moving on, wants to keep the legal action going. He wants a divorce & has felt this way since he separated. He does not want reconciliation. I have tried for months after he separated from me to reconciliate. But it's like being up against a brick wall. He was/is still resolute to continue with separation & legal action, after approximately 17 months of after he separated August 2011.

Re legal action this is still in process, very complex situation because other things involved beyond just the usual property settlement/financial matters. He has closed most of communication opportunities/lines of communication to me. I can't contact him by fixed phone at all where he is residing. And to his mobile phone is awkward too & not economical. So by post & email only. He only emails me very occasionally if it is matters in relation to our financial/legal matters etc & if I ask him something on same areas { usually I have to send emails to him few times, chase it all }.

He obviously wants no friendship nor relationship with myself nor my { was our } puppy, fur child, our only child. All of this is distressing, heartbreaking & hardship in various ways. And compounded few health problems & created other ones, which I am getting professional help with.

With the legal professionals, solicitors, barristers { only 1 involved that I know of mine ie my solicitor arranged at my consent }, others involved in legal processes they are all determined { my own + x partners } to keep us apart.

And my solicitor is very much about seeing my x partner as the enemy, & very supportive of me in the bad legal/other actions my separated husband & things in relation with this he has done to/caused for myself.

So obviously legal persons are not about bringing separated couples back together when of partners has taken legal action against the other etc. Sorry for detailed responses but it's hard to put in brief.

Re your responses n4 & 7 I have addressed for some time now. Re your response n5 how can one not get drawn into the legal arena, when ones x partner already took legal action against one & one has to seek legal advice & obtain their own legal advisor ie solicitor/barrister etc. Then one is automatically & automatically obligated to participate in the legal process for it to occur & have the professional legal support, advice & representative they need when x or separated partner has taken legal action against them.

Of course currently since my barrister has been involved with my solicitor too of course for over 4 months now, I was advised that after I had been so proactive, I could sit back, step back frommlegal paperwork/processes & let them take care of all these/relating matters. But I am left in dark presently until my solicitor responds with results on my legal/relating financial matters etc with family law case between my x partner, me & our legal advisors etc.

I am getting professional, personal counselling, have been for few months now, & will be for rest of year or longer. This helps but has its' limitations. I have support from select family members & friends, but they can only help in so much too. But not not in legal matters, nor reconciliation.

So sincerely thankyou Michael for your responses, & trying to help me, regards from Sharon { for a few reasons prefer not to give my specific location, nothing to do with yourself though } Other than being an Australian resident too.

Posted: 5 years ago by Sharon from Australia
Answer

Over many years of legals I have found lawyers to have a strong sense of entitlement, as soon as they're involved you are looking at minimum 10% of whatever assets are up for grabs. They will keep the parties divided and in the dark but certainly prolonged litigation is where the money is for them. Sometimes it's not always easy to micro manage every detail if you have lawyers however don't take your eye of the ball and treat it all like a home where you budgeting includes short and long term. Also be extra assertive with them and let them know who is boss. Always keep in mind they need you more than you need them.

Posted: 5 years ago by Maryanne from Adelaide, SA
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